He looks angelic.
This child, with his blue-as-ocean eyes. His sweet little lisp and his love of purple.
He’s the first one to hug me in the morning. He still always wants to hold my hand.
He’s one of the best no-tongue lip kissers I know.
But lately, this beautiful four-year-old has been acting in a way that ABSOLUTELY PUSHES MY BUTTONS.
He’s been lying.
It’s only over small things, but his insistence on not telling the truth (even when I’ve watched him do the thing) has been sending me over the edge.
I just finished reading an article called ‘Liar, Liar’. It talks about how through many periods in life, humans experience self-deception.
By not fully acknowledging who you are and what’s important to you, an artificial life can be created, built on the things you think you SHOULD be doing …
… Working that job.
… Hanging out with those people.
… Marrying that person.
… Living in that postcode.
… Eating at that restaurant.
… Liking that music.
… Looking that way.
… Staying home with the kids.
… Playing it safe.
… PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE FIRST.
What this creates is a world full of things that don’t move you.
Then, this creates a duplicity of spirit, which ultimately creates self-betrayal.
Meaning a lack of honesty with oneself.
Which essentially means, LIVING A LIE.
I can look over many periods of my life where I have used alcohol, drugs, food and men to avoid being honest with myself.
I now understand that I did that to hide from the uncomfortableness that came with establishing me.
Before I had my children, it was easier to RE-EVALUATE AND RECREATE ME in the quiet.
It was even easier to maybe not step fully into MYSELF because it was easy to keep lying a little to myself.
Now, the eldest of my children is no longer allowing me that.
He’s calling me to step up.
He’s loudly declaring that lying is no longer allowed.
Through his behaviour, I am able to see how I have fallen by the wayside.
How keeping up with my life in a way I THINK I SHOULD no longer serves me.
And it definitely no longer serves you.
I was nicknamed ‘Frank’ in my university years. If you wanted an honest opinion, or a no-holds-barred answer to a question, you could ask me.
I was a dream-chaser.
I knew where I was going. I knew what I was good at. I knew how much value I could offer. And I was not afraid of asking for what I wanted.
But something happened between then and now.
Somewhere along the way I lost that ability to be FRANK.
I started worrying about what you might think of me.
I hid behind an overseas job.
I hid behind gallons of beer.
I hid behind fat.
I hid behind a husband.
I hid behind my children.
I hid behind my reputation.
I’m not going to hide anymore.
My alter ego is still Frank. She’s probably gotten a whole lot softer over the years, but she is still alive.
She is honest and she is loving. She is fiesty. She is driven. She is valuable. She is smart. She is empowering.
And she is back.
Our children are the best teachers in our lives.
When you take the time to reflect on their actions that trigger you, and you open to the possibility that what you are seeing is a moment of personal growth, you become free.
This child IS Angelic.
He is beautiful. And now, after many weeks of yelling with him, I can be thankful.
Gratitude is often an overused term. But seriously, right now I feel deep love for this child for showing me the way.
I feel deep thanks for his ability to REFLECT ME.
He is calling me out and I am hearing his plea.
Watch out World: #frankisback
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